I have a question for you, when things happen that are completely unexpected and not for the best, what is your first response? Do you question why it happened, or replay everything in your head to see what went wrong to cause this unexpected chaos, do you blame anyone else?  

 I have recently experienced some unexpected chaos, and my first instinct was to second guess myself, then I went down the rabbit hole of what if scenarios and then the internal criticism. This is my pattern of dealing with unwelcoming circumstances. 

I’ve had to ask myself why this is happening, is it because I have bad luck, or am I being punished or was I just dealt a crumby hand in life and this is just how it has always been? Then I realize that yes, my whole life I have been trying to keep my head above water while being hit with trial after trial after trial. Trying to figure out how to survive on my own.  

Understanding a bigger picture of life, other than our very small immediate circle we live in, allows us to see things differently. 

What is that bigger picture? I’ve spent the last three years reading and studying scripture, praying, and seeking for the truth in all things God. What I have found is that he is not some far away mysterious entity, he has always been right beside me through the bad and the occasional good. I did not have a relationship with him, this allowed the evil one to use my past trauma to keep me from him. That kept me so “busy” trying to just survive that I did not see God. His desire is to have a relationship with us, for us to rely on him for all things. 

This is the challenging part, it seems simple but it is not, for me anyway. Some of you might be thinking, just to get out of his way and let him handle it. Well my brain has spent the better part of my 56 years being very self reliant trying not to drown in life, handling it. I’ve also spent my career problem solving, finding solutions, and managing situations. This does not lead to letting go and allowing someone else to handle things. When all you know is taking care of yourself because no one has ever taken care of you, this is a major roadblock. I’ve talked about this in one of my prior posts titled “Roadblocks and Spiritual Disobedience”, it explains a lot about my need to control my life, I certainly have never thought about, or trusted anyone else with it. 

My heart and head know that I can trust Jesus to take care of me, he has proven it time after time these past three years. The uncertainty and anxiety comes from knowing that Jesus’ process of taking care of me may not look like what I think it should. I’m not able to control the outcome, make it a clean and tidy transaction. The variable of blindly handing it over to him is the terrifying part for me. But, this is a big ole’ lie from the evil one, to distract us, and keep us wrapped up in our heads, replaying all the what if scenarios, plotting how to control everything that could possibly happen, trying to fix things. It is as if we are a hamster on his wheel, we keep running on it but we end up back where we started with no end in sight. That is what not laying my troubles at Jesus feet and trusting him feels like. I like control and order, I know this about myself. But since I listened to the call from God, I have found the relationship I always wanted in my life, is the relationship I have with Jesus. This relationship has been growing over the past three years. Through seeking fellowship with other Christians, by becoming a member of a God filled church, by reading and studying the bible, by praying or having a conversation with Him about everything. I’ve cried out in anger questioning why I was given the childhood full of abuse that led to such a self destructive life. I don’t know the answer to that, but what I do know is that God knows what we need more than we know what we need. And if he thought that is what I needed, then I’m okay with it. This relationship is about opening one’s heart to him, allowing him to work in our life. Allowing him to heal the trauma that the evil one has been using to control us, keeping us from fully handing all of it over to Jesus. It is the sweetest relationship I have ever known. 

If you are reading this, and you have a desire to have a real, life changing relationship then take a minute, open your heart and pray: Lord Jesus, I confess that I am a sinner and ask your forgiveness for my sins. I believe that you died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins. I ask you to come into my life, I give my life to you. In Jesus name, amen. 

John 3:16 (NIV)

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

My prayer for you, is that you would choose to rest in Jesus, to experience his grace and love, to start and nurture a relationship with him.