Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. (NIV Mark 8:34-35)

You hear about people hitting rock bottom and that this is where Jesus meets them. Well, that is what happened to me, this is my rock bottom. The last of my children had left home, my mom had passed, my 16-year relationship had ended, my job of 8 years ended horribly, and my cat that I had for 14 years passed away while I was out of town. All of which happened within a span of 4 years.

I had been on the phone with one of my daughters and she had asked if I had ever thought about moving out to the Midwest where she was at. I now know that was a seed planted by the Lord. I had never considered moving from where I had raised my kids. It was my home, but something inside me was saying this is what I should do. I believe it was the Lord guiding me, calling me to follow him.

I became a Christian back in the early 90’s and have had a relationship with God since then. I was not a “church goer” primarily because I could not find a church that was teaching the bible, and I never felt like I could meet the expectations of what it meant to go to church. I could not do the surface conversations where everyone was smiling, cheerful and doing “just fine” or “great” when asked, because I was not “just fine” or “great” not in any way, shape or form.

I’ve been in the Midwest for the past three years, and it has been the best thing I have ever done.  It has been in these past years that Jesus has revealed himself to me and has shown me what being a Christian is, and what it is to follow him.

Moving here and connecting with a fellowship that teaches the bible and where it is ok to not be ok, has been a gift.

I’ve written a few posts about my childhood and some of the trauma I went through, and I have questioned why I would share such personal experiences. On my own, I am a very private person. I do not share things about myself because I have a very hard time trusting anyone but myself. Through the grace of God, and the help of a friend, I joined our followships recovery group. It is through this group, that I was recommended a book on Christian based trauma recovery. It was a safe and confidential space for me to start to open and allow Jesus into those areas that had been walled up for all those years. These painful spots or wounds have been keeping that area of my life from Jesus.

Together with Jesus, by my side, holding my hand, this is the beginning of my calling, the beginning of all the walls I had put up over my 50+ years coming down.